Always have, always will
by Aekidna
Summary: What happened before meeting Mana? Does not follow the real story, it's something t I stumbled uon in a sleepless night. Short sad story. Please let me know if you like it.
1. Chapter 1

He always told people he couldn't remember much about his life before meeting Mana.

Well, it's not like he is lying. He cannot remember much. But they never asked about that time, and when (casually, always in the most unexpected moments) they did ask, he simply avoided answering fully, always trying to find the most concise and sterile words, leaving around him something akin to a halo of mystery, asking another question with a smile on his face.

Well, he does remember things. Little meaningless things.

Like, he clearly remembers sensations. He remembers the cold, the bitter cold always set into his little bones, a cold so strong that sometimes he felt crushed by it, as if his chest had forgotten how to rise and fall between a breath and another. He remembers being hungry most of the days, being dizzy and above all, he remembers the thirst he felt every day.

He remembers the house he lived in. It was small, and dirtied by the soot of an ever-present fire. A fire he was not allowed to come close.

He remembers his mother.


	2. Chapter 2

Sad grey eyes looked into the fire. The warmness setting in like a cozy blanket around the small frame of the woman. Her eyes turned angry, furious, her grip on her skirt tightening so much, her chuckles turned whiter and whiter. She glared furiously at the closet door, suddenly getting up from the chair and kicking the door with all her might, screaming obscenities and curses.

The boy inside the closed covered his ears and counted to five. The only digits he knew how to count.

1-2-3-4-5

1-2-3-4-5

1-2-3-4-5

Sometimes the door of the closed would open, and he would be tossed outside, kicked until the woman was breathless. Then, left there and yelled at for being outside of the closet.

He would crawl inside and close the door again. Play maybe with the tiny beam of light entering from the crack in the closet's door, trying to catch it into his hands. His mind believed that the day he caught the beam, he would be allowed outside. He didn't know if anyone had told him this, or his mind created the fantasy. He didn't know.

Sometimes he just slept, when the cold allowed him to, and dreamt of talking freely.

Then, his father would be back from work. He would be tired, pale, and sweaty. But he would open the closed door, hang the torn jacket he used to protect his poor frame from the cold, and bent down to pick Allen up.

The man always hugged him, sitting down with the boy on his lap and telling him of his day at work. The boy had no idea what his father did, but he drank on his lovely voice like it was the reward for all his tribulations.

The man always caressed a particular nasty bruise, soothing him, consoling him.

He would then stand up, sitting Allen on the chair, and start cooking for the three of them, always chatting, always cheerful, a smile on his dirty face.

The woman next to the fire wouldn't even blink.

He would give Allen a big glass of warm water, a bit of food, wait patiently until he was done, let him use the bath, and "tuck" him inside the closet for the night, telling him how much he loved him, "always have, always will".

Then the door of the closet clicked close, and life was back to normal.

-How was your day, honey?- a female voice. Steps could be heard around the room, and small chatting sounds.

Life would start again.


	3. Chapter 3

-Can't you understand? It's a miracle! A new chance for us! A chance….-

\- *-*, please, we can't…-

\- We can't, what? How many jobs have you changed in the last three years? They fire you as soon as they know who you are! IT's a punishment we were bestowed by God himself, but I prayed everyday for forgiveness, and God listened to me! _IT_ 's a bad omen! _IT_ should have never happened! _IT_ should have never… -

\- Stop, *-*! He's your … -

-I have no child! I never wanted to keep _it_! You and your soft heart… but now, we can be free! We can start anew! Leave this city and build our new family…-

-But we can't! I can't do this!-

-How can you…? It's Satan spawn! People avoid us! People talk of us! People evict us! Fire you! Throw stone at us! And you… I'm fed up with this! I want my life back!-

-Honey, please, I can't…-

-Don't you love me?-

-…Of course I do.-

\- Then do it, or I will kill myself and my unborn child. I would do it myself, but I will never touch that _thing_.-


	4. Chapter 4

He was not feeling cold. Well, he was, but not that much. Not as much as usual.

And it was strange, it was in a place that was not his house. It was so bright and big, and white.

His dad was holding his good hand. His monster arm, as he called it, was well hidden into something soft he never wore before. It was something his father used to wear, it was so soft and smelled nicely of his father hugs. He felt warm in his chest.

He briefly looked up to his father, who avoided his eyes.

The child didn't know, but they had the same hair. Thin and brownish. The child's one were covered by a oversized hat, while his father's one were cut short, little snowflakes here and there.

He couldn't help but wonder where he was and where they were going.

It was snowing. Allen had never seen the snow. Not so closely. We looked around in amazement, smiling.

He caught his father looking at him. The man squeezed the little hand, from time to time, caressing it with his thumb.

They stopped in a place that was not as bright as the other they had been passing through. The man crouched at the child's level to look into his eyes.

Allen had always loved his father's eyes. They were so warm, and the same color of the warm drink he had when he was particularly good.

-Allen, listen. I'm going somewhere to buy food. You stay here and don't move, ok? I'll back soon to pick you up.-

Allen was afraid. He didn't want to be left alone in the strange place. But he trusted his dad, and didn't want him to be angry. Allen smiled, and nodding, talked for the first time in months.

-Ok, daddy. Soon?-

His father's eyes were so very bright. He tried to smile. He pulled and straightened the little one's clothes, and answered: -Soon-

Looking at his father vanishing back, Allen remembers thinking the man was shaking uncontrollably.

He remembers getting afraid minute after minute, and counting to five probably a million times.

Mana Walker found him in the same spot two days later, passed out on the ground, partially covered by snow, and almost dead. It was probably only thanks to Destiny's plans that he was still alive.


	5. Chapter 5

Five years later, he remembers being in a square of a sunny city, near the cost. The sun was bright even though it was winter.

He was going around handing out flyers for the circus, when he saw a man with a child on his shoulders.

They had the same brownish, thin hair.

They were chatting and laughing loudly, the child holding steadily on some strands of his father's hair.

Allen run after them. He was dressed in oversized clown's clothes, his face painted white and red, his hands clad in white gloves, a pointed hat on his head.

He reached them.

-Excuse me!-

The man turned.

It was him. He was sure it was him that his heart stopped beating and he felt so dizzy he could have fainted.

The man and child stared at him.

-Ehm, what?- said the man, clearly confused.

Allen regained his senses and hold out the flayer, muttering –Circus?-

-What?-

-Would you and your family like to come to the circus?- he blurted out. What was he saying? What wanted to say?

-Yes daddy, the circus, the circus!-

The man smiled at his son and then at Allen, thanked him, and took the flayer.

The wind knocked off Allen's hat. The three of them had the same brownish hair.

Allen had gone on all these years thinking about what could have happened to his father.

He had various images in his mind. Maybe he was kidnapped, or enslaved, or forced into another land, or even killed. It was just impossible in his little mind that his father had left him there to die.

To die alone, of cold and hunger, to die there standing and freezing and counting to five, to five, to five.

It was impossible, unbelievable.

His father loved him. He was sure of this. He told him he would come back soon. It was the thing most similar to a promise he had heard in his life.

He had nightmares of his father rushing back to the spot he should be still standing, looking for him and calling his name.

He was sure: he was loved by that man. He always told that.

So Allen decided that the man standing there was not his father, but someone who reminded him of the man. His aching heart would be at peace, and he would be freed from the pain in his chest.

Then the children squealed –Yay! I love you dad!-

And the man answered, smiling –I love you too. Always have, always will-

And something exploded in Allen chest, and he run.


	6. Chapter 6

He didn't like talking about his past. It was painful enough as it was, and remembering it was enough for him, without having to put into words the pain he went through in his life.

What happened before Mana was a blur, something that was not quite there, the fantasy of a child. A game of pretending.


End file.
